What’s ‘mauve’ in English?

Of late, I’ve been introduced to the ‘wonders’ of shopping. And I despise it. I despise it so much that at this present moment I’m currently wading through the shopping isles of my mind-thesaurus to pick out a more angry word than ‘despise’…. As you can tell, as all treks into any shopping isle conclude, I’ve found nothing.
For me, this epitimises shopping from a personal perspective. I can never find what I bloody want. As a male who can barely spell shoping / shoppin / shopping even at the best of times I resort to the man code, which is as follows:
1 Know what you want and where it will be available BEFORE leaving the house,
2 Go to said shop,
3 Buy it,
4 Go home.
I’ve had countless female friends explain to me that it’s not about just getting what you want/need, it’s about looking around…. No! Because that wastes time and ultimately, wastes my life. Granted, I waste numerous hours of my life sitting with ukelele in hand needlessly killing classic songs, but shopping is just despicable…. and it never sounds as nice as a ukelele, anyway. The nearest you get to the heart-warming bliss that is music when shopping are crappy covers of songs that nobody even likes (or remembers) anyway!
My main qualm with shopping is colour (American readers please note correct post-19th century spelling…. which was sort of stolen from the French!). Be it regarding clothing, pointless accessories, wall paint or simply purchasing a Ford Model-T…. ok maybe not that last one…. But colours have gone mad. What the hell is ‘brilliant red’? ‘Ice blue’? ‘Sunkissed f***ing orange’? Anyone?
Let’s look at it this way, men should be thought of as having Windows 95 Colour Default Setting – i.e. 16 colours, that’s it. The modern man may look beyond the ever-annoying prospect of the Olympic Games and accept gold, silver and bronze into his arsenal of colour, but for all intents and purposes, 16! Fin!
These include the only colours one ever needs. Red, blue, yellow, green, black, white, orange, pink etc etc. Should man need to specify on shade, he will use the words ‘dark’ and ‘light’. That’s it. What else could one possibly need?
Peach…. is a fruit. As is pumpkin. Mauve looks like a name given to a child born in Wrexham to a mother who is barely a decade and a half older than said child. ‘Cream’ is a food stuff. What the hell is ‘baby pink’? Do we have ‘adult pink’? No! So shut up!
Time to calve a smiley face into a pumpkin…. which is a fruit! 🙂


One thought on “What’s ‘mauve’ in English?

  1. Ok, I am going to have to comment on this, even though u are probably thinking oh God, not her again! I promise I’ll keep quiet after this, cos I know I’m boring u, but anyway!! Shopping is not something that should be enjoyed, it needs to be split up with numerous visits to Costas (other coffee shops are available!!) And lots of people watching! However bad u feel about how u look (usually a minus 10 for me, cos I usually look like an ugly sister due to far too much make up and jewellery but hey more is more in my book!!) U can always find someone who clearly has never possessed a mirror in their life and thinks size 32 grey leggings is a good look! Anyway, it doesn’t matter what the colours are called, as long as u find something that suits u! Find a style and stick it! Top Man has some great clothes and so does River Island! Take along a female who will be critical yet really know what she’s talking about (I am the female version of Gok Wan, so if u did ever want some help, my services as a professional shopper and coffee drinker are available for just a small fee, hahahaha) So stop whingeing and get out there! Rant over 🙂

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