German things!


A few months ago, I decided to part company with my ever-faithful Ford Fiesta for a new method of transportation. (By new method I do still mean a car, just a different one. I haven’t yet found the pleasures of horse riding…. I actually value my pathetic manhood!)
You may have guessed from the visual aid atop this blog that my new car is a Fiat Grande Punto (or something?). You may have also noted that I know nothing about cars…. Oh and that there’s a ‘To Let’ sign on the car too- just ignore that!

But I do, however lacking my ‘automobilic’ knowledge, know a little about which cars are engineered ‘better’ than others. I mean it has to be anything German, right?
First they steal linguistics from the British bounty of clever things we’re good at, and then our superior knowledge on machinery. Why don’t they steal our piss-poor methods of government while they’re at it? What’s ‘I dare you’ in German? Something ‘dich’?

But there’s no denying German engineering. And neither are there grounds for denying the brilliance of such machines as the Mercedes, BMW and Audi.
These cars are sexy, stylish, wonderfully engineered, safe and sleak! Pretty much Wales’ opposite…. but in machine form.
Premature smiley face 🙂

Although I can’t deny the thoughts of others (and myself included)! In this case, by the way, “others” suggests anyone who does not own one of the aforementioned German masterpieces.
Yet prior to divulging on the “opinions of others,” I’d like to make clear that I’m fully aware my next rant is fuelled (haha, fuel!) by baseless generalisation and jealous stereotyping! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Drivers of German-manufactured cars are w****rs!
What God-damned divine rite do these self-aggrandised, self-centred bell-ends have over the public-owned roads? I’ll tell you in my less-than-flattering German- Keine / Nicht / Nein!
Never once have a seen an Audi etc drive sensibly on the road. And that’s my honest truth. Equally often have I spotted a Merc’ or Beemer chatting to a police officer- even the law is afraid of them!
I guess the insanity of the Autobahnen is genetically imprinted in cars designed in the same country. Or it could just be that the patriotic Germans wanted their cars to be as different as possible to the English symbol of the rose; which bear their pricks on the outside!

Maybe this blog is 99% jealousy because I really would love to own an Audi. Despite this, I can’t decide why I actually want one. Maybe the ever-tosserish Jeremy Clarkson has subconsciously brainwashed me like a religious leader who promises the riches of heaven to believers – but who really just wants your money to repair a leaking roof panel. Or maybe the idea that these cars elevate egos and exponentially increase the metaphorical size of one’s head draws me in….
I don’t know! And to be fair, I don’t really care whether I ever find out or not.

My car isn’t to let, by the way. To be honest you wouldn’t want it. It’s Italian and therefore makes you a pussy on the roads and ever-hungry for pasta, spaghetti and pizza!

Mildly-racist smiley face 🙂


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